


Edge of the Abyss

by nowafangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-15 14:52:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3451142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowafangirl/pseuds/nowafangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is about to fall over the edge, and Cas' help might throw him over.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Edge of the Abyss

Dean could feel it. He could feel himself teetering on the edge of the abyss. He was right on the brink of falling into the deepest, darkest, and most agonizing part of his mind. It was where his true pain was kept. Not the memories of Hell; those were elsewhere. Sam would say something nerdy like that they were kept in a more shallow part of the stormy sea that was Dean’s feelings locker. Or some stupid, poetic, chick-flick crap like that. But Dean didn’t take this place lightly. He wouldn’t mock Sam’s words about this. This was where Dean’s real trauma was kept. It was where all the thoughts of failure and never being good enough and no one ever wanting to stick around were kept.  


They had failed. He had failed. And he was standing on that edge to throw another token in to sink to the bottom, hopefully. They were working a job in Chicago. Shapeshifter. It was waltzin’ around pretending to be a soccer mom and then taking out shitty dads and husbands. Not really a bad thing, until they realized she had killed the real version of the mom she was pretending to be and had done the same in three other cities. They finally tracked the bitch down with the help of one of the newly made widows, but in the fight to take out the shapeshifter it broke the widow’s neck. Dean had snuck around the outside of her house afterwards as her kid’s grandparents told them.  


Now here he was. Dean Winchester, mighty hero. What a joke. He was about to fall apart. Sam would be walking into the hotel room any second now, and Dean couldn’t decide if tearing the whole damn place down would bring him any comfort or not. He was willing to try just on the off chance that it might for a few seconds. As he was contemplating where to start the demolition, Sam walked in.  


“Dean,” Sam started in his “calming” tone.  


“Sammy, don’t. Just don’t. I don’t wanna hear about how it’s all gonna be okay and it’s not my fault and all that other crap,” Dean snarled.  


“She chose to go, Dean,” Sam said, like that would make it all better.  


“I don’t give a damn!” Dean shouted. “She went because we said we would keep her safe! We said she would go home to her kids! And she was willing to take the chance on us because she was a good person!” There was a long stretch of silence as Sam debated on whether or not it was worth it to keep trying. He knew though. Sam knew where Dean was right then. So he started to pack.  


“What the hell are you doing, Sam?” Dean said just under a shout.  


“I’m packing, and so are you,” Sam stated without looking up. “We’re getting the hell out of Chicago. Now.”  
With that, Sam zipped his bag, threw it over his shoulder, and walked out to the Impala. Dean waited a second to even out his breathing and then packed his own bag. He got in the Impala without a word, started Baby, and drove off. It was a long, silent drive back to the bunker. Castiel was waiting inside when the brothers walked in late in the afternoon a two days later.  


Dean stormed wordlessly to his room. He couldn’t handle this right now. There was no way he could stand on the edge of this and have his feelings for Cas heaped on top of everything. As he started to unpack the duffel by fling stuff towards where it should go, Dean heard a tentative knock on his door. There was no way in hell Dean was going to answer that right now. If Sam wanted to talk about their feelings again, he could talk to Cas.  


“Dean?” Cas said softly from the other side of the door. “Dean please allow me to come in. I spoke to Sam.”  


Son of a bitch. Dean couldn’t ignore Cas asking to come in his room no matter how much he didn’t need this right now. He grunted out something that could have soundly like an ape asking someone what they wanted, and in walked Castiel, stunning angel of the lord. As Cas turned from closing the door behind him and looked at Dean with that forgiving, gentle look in his stunning blue eyes, all Dean wanted was to be gripped tight again.  


“Look Cas,” Dean said gruffly to hide the tangled mess of a state he was in, “I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?”  


"Okay, Dean,” Cas said as he crossed the room. “What would you like then?”  


“I- What- What would I like?” Cas’ direct eye contact and blatant question had Dean fumbling for words.  


Dean could feel his heart starting to race and his mental footing starting to slip under the weight of all his troubles plus the jumble of emotions being this near to Cas always pressed upon him. And then Cas pushed him over the edge.  


He wasn’t trying to push Dean over. Cas was really just trying to make him feel better. But when Castiel, all mighty angel, walked up to Dean and took his chin in hand to tilt it up and look Dean in the eyes, Dean fell. That spectacular blue gaze was so full of empathy and acceptance that Dean just couldn’t hold on any longer. He had already fallen for Castiel. He loved everything about the angel that he wanted to be his so badly it physically hurt. And not in the “Oh, this boner is unpleasant” way. It hurt in the “My chest aches constantly for you” kind of way. To be this close to such a perfect being and see that much emotion reflect from his usually guarded eyes was too much. He fell into the abyss where all he could think about was how inadequate and unworthy of being in such a presence he was. Here was Cas, perfect and stunning and everything anyone could ever dare to hope to be close to. And here was Dean, the man who everyone either abandoned or died from being close to. There was no way this flawless creature could ever feel for Dean what Dean felt for him. He was everything Dean wanted, everything he needed, and Dean felt so undeserving it was crushing. As Dean’s eyes start to get misty, he turns away.  


“Get outta here, Cas,” he says hoarsely.  


“No, Dean,” Cas whispers as he circles around to put his arms around Dean’s shoulders. “I’m staying right here with you. You are worthy enough to have someone be here for you.”  


With those last words, Dean fell onto Cas’ shoulders. He stood there and let the angel hold him, and after a few moments Castiel started to slowly, tentatively rub Dean’s back. They stood in silence with Cas gently running his hand in a small circle between Dean’s shoulder blades for who knows how long.  


“Cas,” Dean whispered hoarsely without being able to look up, “are you gonna leave me now?”  


“No, Dean,” Cas said as he made Dean look him in the eye again. “You are also worthy of having someone pass a long night with you.”  
With that, they both sat on the bed. Dean told Cas about the job in Chicago while Cas listened attentively. Halfway through telling the story Dean felt Cas put a hand on his knee. When he had finished, Dean laid his head on Cas’ shoulder. In the morning, laying his head down was the last thing Dean remembered.  


“Good morning, Dean,” Castiel said quietly beside him. Dean was lying on his back in bed with Cas lying next to him on his side, head propped up by one arm. He knew he should probably react to the situation like their proximity bothered him, but Dean couldn’t make himself pretend that this was something he disliked. It was too amazing and would probably never happen again, so he had to soak it in as much as possible. Honestly he didn’t want to say anything at all in fear that it might ruin the moment.  


“Morning, Cas,” Dean said in disbelief after having told himself time and time again over the past few years that he’d never be in this perfect situation.  


“I believe Sam is making breakfast. Would you like to go get food?” Cas asked, unaware of his words’ ability to shatter the hopeful bliss in Dean’s mind.  


“Uh, sure,” Dean said trying to hide how much he dreaded the thought of leaving this perfect setting. “Yeah just gimme a minute and I’ll be out there.”  


Dean got up and walked into the bathroom where he sat with his head in his hands and told himself to stop being stupid. Cas was just being a dedicated friend. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to hope.  
* * *  


It had been a week since the boys had returned from Chicago. They had decided to take a little bit of time off after what had happened. Sam was getting restless, though, and he needed some time away from the weirder than normal vibes radiating off of Cas and Dean. When Sammy left for the day, Dean didn’t know what to do.  


Things had been different with Cas since that night. Dean couldn’t be near him without thinking of waking up to his scent that morning and the way it had felt to be in his arms for so long. He would have given just about anything to have that feeling again, anything but the friendship they had. Making a move on Cas would destroy their relationship; Dean was sure of it.  


They had been quietly going about their day by staying out of the same room until Dean walked into his room after lunch. Cas was standing in the middle of the room, waiting.  


“Dean,” he started, “we need to talk.”  


“What’s up, doc?” Dean asked playfully to hide the horrible sinking feeling in his stomach.  


“I can’t do this, Dean,” Cas said after a moment’s hesitation. “I can’t keep up this façade.”  


“What are you talking about, Cas?” The pain Dean suddenly felt in his chest would be nearly unbearable soon.  


“I can’t act like that night meant nothing,” Cas said as he stared intently at his feet. “I know you must just think that I am a good ally to have and maybe a good friend, but Dean…”  


“But what, Cas?” Dean asked barely able to contain the urgency in his voice.  


Just as Dean was sure that the silence would kill him, Cas spoke, “But I can’t just be your ally anymore, Dean. I am sorry. I’ve been emotionally compromised.”  


He must be dreaming. Dean was almost positive he was. Even if this was just a dream though, there wasn’t a chance in Hell that Dean was going to let this opportunity pass him by. Cas had rendered him speechless, so Dean did what he had been holding back on doing for years. He took a deep breath, crossed the distance between them in two long strides, took Cas’ face in his hands, and pressed his lips to those of an angel.  


After the initial shock wore off, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck as Dean slid a hand up into Cas’ hair. Cas clung to Dean, pressing their bodies together. Although the kiss started out shy and tender, within moments they were tentatively exploring each other’s mouths with their tongues. When Dean finally pulled back Cas only allowed him to move an inch away.  


“You’re crazy,” Dean said breathlessly. “Why would you ever need to apologize, Cas? You’re perfect.”  


It was Castiel’s turn to be rendered speechless, so he did the only thing he could think of. He glued himself to Dean and sealed their lips together in a kiss so long and fervent that neither of them had a second to pull back and ask if the other was ready. They didn’t need the words though. They knew.  


It was Cas who reached for a zipper first, and as soon as he did so Dean was ripping the shirt off of him. A few more minutes of wandering hands and frantic disrobing had them both naked and falling into Dean’s bed. They lay there, Cas over Dean, kissing and touching and exploring. Neither could believe it was happening as they tried to touch every inch of skin they had dreamed so long of touching. Cas began to plant adoring kisses all over Dean’s face and neck as Dean ran his hands down Cas’ back to hold the ass he had watched walk away so many times.  


“Dean,” Cas said throatily as he abruptly pulled back, “I’d like to feel you in a more intimate way.”  


“I am yours to command, angel,” Dean said huskily.  


Castiel’s commands were not stated verbally. Instead, he fell on Dean with a zealous hunger that left them both breathless and had Dean convinced it was time to take things up a notch. He reached back down to begin stretching Cas for a whole new experience. When Cas was ready, Dean reached into a drawer next to his bed to find a bottle of lube.  


Cas slid slowly down onto Dean and let out a little gasp. Dean put his hands on Cas’ hips as hid slid up and back down again. Slowly, they increased their rhythm until both were moaning and roughly whispering each other’s name. When Dean realized how dangerously close he was to finishing before Cas, he took Cas’ throbbing erection in hand and worked the angel into a gasping frenzy. As Cas called out Dean’s name one more time, Dean came with an intensity he had never had before. Cas collapsed onto Dean’s chest and they lay there as a sweaty, panting, tangled mess of bliss.  


“Dean?” Cas asked a while later as he lay cradled in Dean’s strong arms.  


“Yes, Cas?” Dean responded half asleep.  


“I love you, Dean Winchester. And I’m not going to leave again.”  


“I love you too, Cas,” Dean said softly as he squeezed his angel tighter.


End file.
